Anonymous asked: please elaborate on how you got a substitute teacher to quit within one day. I'm genuinely curious.

mysticmoonhigh:

mamalovebone:

all right everyone sit down, shut up and listen closely because I’m about to tell y’all the tale of Ms. Mormino.

Seventh grade is a time most people don’t look back on fondly. I know I sure don’t—I tend to regard that era as nothing more than an unpleasant, acne-filled haze of fall out boy and poor attempts at pseudo-zooey deschanel fashions. But enough about me. Let’s talk about my math teacher. 

Ms. Isom. Poor old Ms. Isom. Well in her 60’s, always plagued with some illness or injury, she was hardly ever even at school. Since many of her absences were the result of short-notice incidents—“falling down the stairs” was popularly cited— it wasn’t all that uncommon to not have a substitute on hand. Being a smartass honors class, we’d gotten away with several successful evasions of administration, walking cavalierly into class  to pass the next 48 minutes doing just about nothing. Hell, for good measure, we’d sometimes even toss in a friendly “hey, Ms. Isom!” if any administrators were anywhere within earshot. So incredibly anti-establishment, you could basically call it another Project Mayhem, except instead of Brad Pitt and Ed Norton concocting homemade bombs, it was a bunch of tweenyboppers with iPhone 3’s and Justin Bieber 2009 haircuts. 

 We got pretty accustomed to our own little self-governing system that rolled around every second period, so we naturally weren’t exactly thrilled when administration caught on to our little Anarchy Act and strictly enforced the presence of a substitute every day. 

Most of our subs weren’t terrible—most were friendly, gave us participation grades, and didn’t object to the independent attitude of our class (which, mind you, only had about ten students in it) 

That is, until Ms. Mormino came along. 

Four feet, ten inches of raw, undiluted evil, Ms. Mormino walked into class with a scowl on her face and a chip on her shoulder. When the girl behind me sneezed, Ms. Mormino’s immediate response was “NO INAPPROPRIATE NOISES!” 

 Although we all suppressed our laughter, we all knew from that moment on that, try as she might with her despotism and her draconian anti-sneeze policy, Ms. Mormino didn’t stand a chance. 

 The arguable beginning of the end for Ms. Mormino’s all-too-brief reign of terror was the moment I asked for a calculator; mine was broken. Mormino asserted that I could only borrow a calculator if I loaned her something of mine; at that moment, the girl next to me chimed in, saying she, too, needed a calculator. “I have a folder I can give you,” I offered. “I have a highlighter,” added the other girl. 

 At that moment, a puberty-creaking voice from the back of the room piped up. 

Max. 

We all know certain people have certain gifts. Michelangelo saw angels in every block of marble and devoted his life to setting them free; Einstein had a mind which saw the potential of the entire universe; F. Scott Fitzgerald wove intricate tales of decadence and depravity. Max, however, had a different kind of gift: he could make anything—anything at all—into a “that’s what she said” joke. More on that later, though. 

Max pried off a Nike sneaker and held it proudly in the air, like a coveted trophy. 

"I have a shoe." 

Tottering in one-shoe-one-sock, Max dumped the sneaker on Ms. Mormino’s desk, retrieved a calculator, then tottered back to his own desk, a sort of smirk playing on his face. And, as to be expected—the rest of us quickly followed suit. 

 A small pile of shoes on her desk, Ms. Mormino grit her teeth and glared at us as we all sat back down, quietly victorious, a calculator in each of our hands. It wasn’t long, however, until we all began to silently plot our next act of minor mayhem. 

"Can I go to the bathroom?" asked Tyler, who, despite being in seventh grade, was approaching his sixteenth birthday. In a combination of verism and admiration of Tyler’s devil-may-care boldness, we unequivocally accepted him as our leader. For reasons unknown, Ms. Mormino denied his request. Tyler, much like his Fight Club namesake, heeded no rules but his own and left anyway—Ms. Mormino, furious, locked the door behind him and smugly insisted that "administration will take care of him." 

Tyler, however, was not one to be caught, and stayed close by, appearing in the window of the door whenever Ms. Mormino wasn’t looking. Waving, smiling, laughing, making faces and obscene gestures, Tyler had us all in stitches, but cleverly avoided Ms. Mormino’s sight—when she asked us what was so funny, we all refused to give Tyler away. 

A girl asked to go to the bathroom, stating she “really really really” needed to go. Ms. Mormino, again, denied her request. Ms. Mormino, however, seemed to be uninformed about the side door—leading right outside, always locked from the outside but always open from the inside. 

"Well, I’ll go myself," the girl responded, and took off, hurdling three desks and darting out the door. Right behind her, two other students took off, pursuing freedom. The door slammed behind all three students, and they were gone. 

 Six of us were left. Among us, importantly, was Chris. 

Chris was thirteen, but looked half his age; scrawny, wiry, he probably measured in at about four-foot-three, but no taller. “Late Bloomer” are words that come to mind. 

Despite his diminutive size, Chris possessed the gall of someone like Tyler.

"I have to use the bathroom," said Chris, standing. 

 ”Do you think I’m going to allow you to go to the bathroom?” snapped Ms. Mormino. 

 ”It’s an emergency!” Chris pleaded. 

"Sit down," Ms. Mormino growled. 

Meanwhile, the entire class borders on hysteria. We have tears in our eyes, almost suffocating from choking back laughter. 

"It’s an emergency," repeated Chris, but it sounded more like a warning.

"Sit."

Silence. Silence, Silence and more silence, until we all began to notice a dark stain on Chris’s khakis. The stain grew. And grew. And grew.

 Fists at his sides, stoicism in his face, and a cold, proud, triumphant glint in his eye, Chris locked eye contact with Ms. Mormino. 

And pissed right in his pants. 

The entire class erupted into a laugh only comparable to the detonation of a bomb. 

We laughed so hard for the next five, ten, fifteen minutes straight that Ms. Mormino gave up. Surrendering, putting her head on her desk, she waited until the hysteria finally subsided. 

Finally looking up, defeated, pathetic, Ms. Mormino glared at us all and wailed: 

 ”This is too much, this is too hard, too hard, Jesus Christ, this is too much for me!” 

 A lone voice sounded from the back of the room. Guess whose it was.

"That’s what she said."

Ms. Mormino officially retired from teaching that afternoon.

FUCKING READ IT IT’S WORTH IT

VIA mega-axew / SOURCE mamalovebone 1 hour ago 65,164 notes

macintush:

"It’s pronounced like jif"

Yeah well I don’t gif a fuck

VIA petcanadian / SOURCE macintush-deactivated20140612 2 hours ago 401,515 notes
ruinedchildhood:


OMG YOU CAN ACTUALLY CLICK ON AND POP THE BUBBLEWRAP THIS IS SO COOL

ruinedchildhood:

OMG YOU CAN ACTUALLY CLICK ON AND POP THE BUBBLEWRAP THIS IS SO COOL

image

image

ruinedchildhood:

OMG YOU CAN ACTUALLY CLICK ON AND POP THE BUBBLEWRAP THIS IS SO COOL

image

image

VIA zombie-assassins / SOURCE unlawfully 2 hours ago 20,700 notes

existentialismandmakeup:

miikachu:

onlylolgifs:

High Five New York

See? Now this is a prank. Something silly and good intentioned and actually funny. Not groping poor, unsuspecting girls.

existentialismandmakeup:

miikachu:

onlylolgifs:

High Five New York

See? Now this is a prank. Something silly and good intentioned and actually funny. Not groping poor, unsuspecting girls.

VIA a-lone-quark / SOURCE onlylolgifs 4 hours ago 128,757 notes

googlechroming:

hanabananana:

‘MAKES 12 CUPCAKES’ IT SAIDimageHA

imageHAHAHAHA

image

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

image

HELP ME

you’re the person in my maths book arent you

(Source: hanacabana)

VIA wingscanspeak / SOURCE hanacabana 4 hours ago 105,826 notes
"You have to be odd to be number one."

Dr. Seuss

This changed me

(via reveriesofawriter)

(Source: lsd-soaked-tampon)

VIA wolfbays / SOURCE darksideoftheshroom 4 hours ago 210,302 notes

straightgirl2:

Think this mighta changed my life

(Source: beppski)

straightgirl2:

Think this mighta changed my life

(Source: beppski)

VIA ragefoxcrimson / SOURCE beppski 4 hours ago 32,651 notes
metastasisedmalaise:

awwww-cute:

W e recently adopted a couple of kittens. This one, Starbuck, enjoys chewing on books

dear fucking god

metastasisedmalaise:

awwww-cute:

W e recently adopted a couple of kittens. This one, Starbuck, enjoys chewing on books

dear fucking god

metastasisedmalaise:

awwww-cute:

W e recently adopted a couple of kittens. This one, Starbuck, enjoys chewing on books

dear fucking god
VIA jaqisus / SOURCE awwww-cute 4 hours ago 184,428 notes
Anonymous asked: You're kind of missing the point though. Elena now has bent her morals, betrayed herself as a person to be with this toxic person. There's a light and dark love. Stefan is the light, Damon is the dark. It was portrayed this way for a reason.

comeonpouty:

Read More

VIA comeonpouty / SOURCE comeonpouty 4 hours ago 2 notes
dorkly:

Which Long-Awaited Game Would You Wish For?
For more comics, go to Dorkly.com!

dorkly:

Which Long-Awaited Game Would You Wish For?

For more comics, go to Dorkly.com!

dorkly:

Which Long-Awaited Game Would You Wish For?

For more comics, go to Dorkly.com!

console pokemon or kingdom hearts 3 thehiddendoctor VIA thatnerdygamergirl / SOURCE dorkly 4 hours ago 1,358 notes

ggaga:

i hate how you’re just born out of nowhere and you’re forced to go to school and get education so you can get a job what if i wanted to be a duck

VIA wolfbays / SOURCE ggaga 4 hours ago 568,873 notes

mexicankitsch:

Bitch, dont you “previously on…” me. I have been watching this show for 5 hours. I know what happened.

VIA comeonpouty / SOURCE icanthelpit-thatimpopular-deact 4 hours ago 195,139 notes

ju-ke:

i’m tasteless but so is water and we all need that

(Source: neptunain)

VIA panic-at-the-supernatural / SOURCE neptunain 4 hours ago 711,437 notes